Other Moms VS karen

You know,

sometimes I feel pretty certain that I suck as a homemaker.

I roll out of bed each morning at the last possible second.  I don't like housework, or find it remotely rewarding.  I seem to only do a really good job cleaning the house right before someone is coming over, and I really do prefer to spend a LOT of time looking things up on the computer.  Oh--and I'm ALWAYS forgetting important school stuff for the kids.

Sigh.

Sometimes I imagine what other, more efficient moms must be like.


Maybe it's a little bit like this...

and I start my day like this

And I'll bet those other moms are like THIS two hours before company arrives

and this is me in the last FRANTIC two hours before company is coming:

Good moms have a firm grasp on what's going DOWN at their kids' school.

and then there's me...

and let's not speak of THIS

A good mother serves delicious dinners, with each of the four food groups represented.

but damn--sometimes I'm tired, and SICK of cooking!!!

OH well.

My Cat Is Mental Part 2

You remember how my cat Loki is insane, right?

Well, not only does she follow me around all day and either STARE at me, or MEOW at me until I want to LOSE IT, she does other super annoying things as well.

She is OBSESSED with her water dish.

OBSESSED.

She has to do this stupid thing that drives me crazy ALL THE TIME.

This cat is no dummy.  She KNOWS it drives me crazy.

So, she's verrry sneaky...


If she thinks I might be watching, she creeps up to her water dish verrrrry slooooowly...and then she drinks and drinks and drinks and drinks until  FINALLY--

SHE PUTS HER FREAKING PAWS IN HER WATER!

YES! SHE STANDS IN HER WATER DISH!  ALL THE TIME!  AND IF I'M NOT THERE, SHE FLICKS WATER ALL OVER THE FLOOR UNLESS I CATCH HER IN THE ACT!!!


AND THEN I FLIP OUT AND SHE SCRAMBLES AWAY LIKE A CRAZY CAT LEAVING A GREAT MESS IN HER WAKE

It happens ALL THE TIME.  If it just happened occasionally, would I care?  Maybe.  Maybe not.  But no.  The cat is a compulsive MANIAC.

We're always stepping in little puddles of water!!!

I have a sixth sense.

FOR EVERYTHING IN THIS HOUSE.

ARRRRRRRRGH!!!!!

This is why the cats' water dish is always like THIS:

All the time.

All the freaking time.





Whoo! That was boring.

PMS Zit Neck

I'm not happy talking to you guys about this,

but,

sometimes (all the time) when I have THE PMS, I'm fairly hideous.

In fact, as the last week counts down to well, you know, things just get worse and worse--like I morph into some horrendous caricature of my usual self.


Chalk that up to great hormonal upset, lack of sleep and total apathy for my appearance.



Take last month for instance...

I got a giant zit.  Right on the SIDE OF MY NECK.
On my neck, for crying out loud.

I mean--what is more hideous than that?!?  What am I--a MONSTER?  A FREAKING TEENAGER?


Hideous.

A zit on my neck, and really, really bad hair because I was too exhausted to put conditioner on it, or even style it.  At all.


So, it was bad, mop hair with a halo of FUZZ around it.


And a wicked double chin thanks to water retention.

A zit on my neck, bad fuzzy mop frizz hair, wicked double chin, bags under my eyes from crappy sleep, a big bloated jelly belly and super sore hoots (with little unhappy faces on them).


SOMETHING HAD TO GIVE.

Fix that damn hair and get rid of THAT THING!!!

Yeah.  That NEVER works.


THAT only made it get at least twice as big as it was before.


Give up.

And let me tell you:  a bandaid isn't fooling ANYONE.





Whoo! That was boring.