Can Anybody Hear Me? I'm Still Here.

Happy Mother's Day

miss you, Mom.

It's The Little Things

It's the little things that get to you.

It's the little things that turn you into the nagging, whining, griping, bitching, moaning MOM you've become.

It's not your fault.

The little things add up.  They're EVERYWHERE!!!!


Here are some of MY LITTLE THINGS:

SOCKS!!!  FREAKING SOCKS!!!!!!

Oh look...it's the washing machine.  Seems innocent enough.

But

We don't have a level floor in the basement, and The Man had to build a little platform for the washing machine to stand on.  That's good, right?

WRONG!!!!

SON OF A B*$#@ !!!  

After almost EVERY load of laundry.  You do the math.

Oh look, it's a  m*%$erf@cking EMPTY TOILET PAPER CARDBOARD ROLL THINGY!!!


DOES ANYBODY KNOW WHERE THE FREAKING GARBAGE IS?!?

Let's get out of the bathroom for a moment, and go to the kitchen to hang up a crisp, fluffy, fresh-out-of-the-dryer, lovely, clean, smellin'-good dish towel!

ohdeargod...

RRRRRRRR......

Meanwhile...back in the bathroom, at some point EVERY DAY

Aaaah...life with little boys...

And it's even MORE fun if you FORGET TO CHECK FIRST

Oh how I hate  WET CHEEKS.  


Sigh.



Little things.  Petty, petty, little things that drive me crazy.



What are some of YOUR little things???

Kids Are Gross

Sure, we love our kids.

We love them to BITS.

They're cute, and funny, and charming.  They are also, from time to time, annoying, rude, bossy, and...oh wait....I should have stopped at charming.

But, from my observances, kids are also something ELSE.

They're gross.

Let's face it.

I know you feel me on this.

They want to show you the crap that comes out of their ears.

They wipe....THINGS..on places where THINGS should never go, instead of just getting a freaking TISSUE!!!

They create disgusting songs and poems to celebrate bums and boobies and dinks and poo poos and pee pees and boogers and stinks and, well, you name it.

They quickly discover they have a deep love and affection for FARTS.  It's bad enough that they're constantly sucking you in, getting your attention only to tell you:

"I FARTED!!"  with great delight.


But the worst...the absolute WORST...

The one thing I can NOT stand....

The thing that I should never find on:

- the side of the bathtub
- the drawers of a dresser
-the bathroom floor
- the wall beside the toilet paper

and NEVER EVER, EVER, EVER, EVERRRRRR ON A CLEAN FREAKING TOWEL!!!!!

I WISH I could tell you THAT never happened.

Sigh.

I KNOW you feel me on this.

The KID Party

My kids birthdays are only a few days apart. 

I do their own thing for each of them, and so there is that crazy week each year otherwise known as...

BIRTHDAY WEEK

It's very fun,

but

it's EXTREMELY exhausting.  

This year, for the first time ever, I finally gave in and let Girlie invite some FRIENDS FROM SCHOOL.  

Normally these parties are just family, and a great excuse for me to have many cocktails.  

But like I said, this year I decided I'd be more fun.  More accommodating. 

And unlike all the other organized parents out there, I had the party at our HOUSE.

  

It was so cool:  we had all these super trendy decorations everywhere based on these extremely popular, ghoulish dolls for girls.  

There were lots of pink balloons, streamers, and hanging ghoulish decor.  I put out a fruit tray, popped corn and baked (baked, not fried! Hooray!) chips for snacks.  Dinner was hot dogs and carrot cake with pale purple icing.  

But the best freaking part were the ridiculous little paper fashion top hats/fascinator thingies.  I'm not sure if I made The Man buy those for Girlie, or for ME.  

Whatever.  

I'm not a big STRUCTURE/ORGANIZATION/PARTY GAMES kind of girl.  I'm more of a ROLL WITH IT AND LET'S SEE WHAT HAPPENS kind of person.

So, I figured little girls would have fun eating snacks, dancing to obnoxious dance music,

and COMPLETELY TRASHING GIRLIE'S ROOM.  And when I say "completely trahed," I mean TOTAL FREAKING SHOCKING DISASTER.  

That's supposed to be a picture that shows every single toy the kid has in her room out and on the floor.  I didn't do a very good job.  I don't know if you can quite picture it.  It was probably worse than THIS:

Whatever.  It's a party.  I expected this, right?  After all, I invited the kids over to the HOUSE.  

Right?  

RIGHT?!?

I made the mistake of going upstairs to check on the girls and got sucked into a black hole of tedium, from which there was ALMOST no escape.  I was bombarded by little girls complaining that the elastic on their little top hats had come off, by girls wanting me to do up the velcro on the princess dress they'd crammed over their own clothes, little girls fighting over who had which doll first, when are we going to open presents?  When are we going to play games?  Can you help me get this dress on this doll?  My hat is broken can you fix it?  I need a NEW hat.  She's not playing with me!  Excuse me, can I wear these shoes?  Excuse me can you help me do THIS UP?  EXCUSE ME?  EXCUUUUUSE ME?!?

I got the hell out of there as quickly as I could.  

And speaking of "excuse me"...

The little girls were cute!  And SUPER polite!  Aw! Isn't that nice?

Okay kid--stop being so freaking polite.  You don't have to ask me before you touch EVERYTHING.  IT'S A PARTY.  

Heh heh...cute kid.  Very polite.  Incessantly polite.  Very tiny kid.  Ridiculously tiny voice.  

Oh my god...don't let them find me...

more dancing...

cake, presents, a group of super burnt-out little girls watching a dvd at the end...

And then FINALLY, blissfully, it was time for everyone to go home!  

Hooray!

Girlie was super crazy BURNT. OUT.  

Hm...maybe next year we'll go back to the family party.